Of Moonshine and Shinobis
by Obsessed Lass
Summary: Conscientiously crack. Drabble series. Ratings vary.
1. A Dickful Wonder

**_A Dickful Wonder_**

 **Relationships** NaruSai/SaiNaru

 **Rating:** M (just in case)

 _A.N: For Sai and his impeccable naming skills._

"I don't understand".

Sai's look of utter confusion would have been really adorable if the matter in question didn't involve my penis. I tried my best to keep my cool.

"Look here babe. I really appreciate you, um, for making it factually correct. But can't you just call me something else? You know, like Ramen-kun or something?"

Sai's perplexity didn't seem to abate.

"But you used to complain before that it wasn't true. Now it is. What's the problem? You don't mind when Ugly waxes poetic about Hinata-san's ample bosom. I really don't get it. Only women are allowed to be vocal about their lover's bodies? It is very..."

Sai scrunched up his face.

"Sexist. Yes."

I badly wanted to wipe that annoying self congratulatory expression off of his face. It eerily looked like a replica of Bastard's smug-ass face. Even more than usual. Ugh.

With long suffering patience(can you see me Baachan?) I went on to explain that Sakura-chan didn't call Hinata-chan Opal-eyed Booby or something like that in front of others. As for our little conversations about our respective partner's... ah... assets, it was private. The prerogative of best friends.

Sai responded with his faux smile.

When Sakura-chan found me later slurping my woes away, she patted my head.

"So...he's still sticking with 'Dickful'?"

"Yup."

 _A.N: It's always made me snort how Sai bestows his delightful little nicknames on people. If the names are just the opposite of what Sai actually feels, then Naruto's nickname should be a compliment, yeah? Not to mention how gayer that makes the artist nin. One can't but wonder if Kishi is a violently repressed fella... Deconstruction, people. It's all about deconstruction._


	2. A Holy Concern

**_A Holy Concern_**

 **Relationships** SasuNaru/NaruSasu

 **Rating** : M

 _A.N: Dirty stuff ahead._

Naruto's tone was pregnant with despair.

"All these years of calling you asshole, asshole and this is what I had in store... Should've known, uptight bastard like you will turn out to be no different in b-"

Sasuke managed to quell the blonde's melodramatic monologue with a withering look. The Uchiha intimidation technique was just as efficacious even when its user was twisting his swan-neck from his current position on all fours, his impeccable unclothed derriere sticking up in the air like an antique piece for auction.

"I didn't whore myself out like you, idiot!"

Sasuke wasn't feeling hurt that his lover didn't seem to cherish his yet unsullied innocence. Well, as innocent as beautiful shinobis like him could be. Nope, it was beneath him to feel such a ridiculous sentiment.

Naruto pouted.

"It's not my fault you have always behaved like you'd rather mess around with tomatoes- "

Naruto's eyes were alight with dawning horror.

"You didn't, you know... umm with tomatoes ?"

Sasuke gasped, scandalized. To even contemplate something like that... it was akin to blasphemy! There were three things in the world whose debasement, real or perceived, Uchiha Sasuke couldn't forgive: Mikoto, Itachi and finally, tomatoes.

That was it.

Springing to his feet from his genuflecting pose with lethal grace, Sasuke pinned one stupefied Naruto to the wall and rammed himself into him in one vigorous stroke.

It didn't take long for the moaning blond to realize that Uchihas were naturally assertive in more ways than one.

As they collapsed on to the floor after a high octave aerobics session, Naruto, dripping with contentment and other things, told himself that he'd more than enough time (and just the right kind of paraphernalia) to cure his lover's rather literal condition of tightarsedness.

Uchiha Sasuke was an anal freak, after all.

 _P.S: I can't believe that I actually wrote something so...yeah. I solemnly blame Jeanette Winterson and Timothee Chalamet plus peaches for beguilingly leading me to this road. Never doubt the maxim, people: **We're all Kakashi.**_


	3. Intellectual Curiosity

**_Intellectual Curiosity_**

 **Relationships** : Team 7 and platonic JiraOro

 **Rating** : T

 _A.N: Modern AU where Orochimaru is a high school teacher._

"This is a really bad idea."

Sakura's chanting had begun to grate on the nerves of her coconspirators.

"It's just plain reconnaissance, you worrywart", Sasuke grumbled. "Worst case scenario is that sensei trains Izanagi to smother us in our sleep. Which is hardly an issue since he's very fond of me."

"You think sensei will forgive you even after you hid in his bedroom closet?"

"I meant Iza-chan, you idiot." Sasuke was clearly unimpressed.

"Silly me! Of course your darling hunk of a python would lovingly cuddle with you. Way to go, bastard."

Before Sasuke could strangle Naruto with their sensei's boas, Sakura intervened.

"The baka just may get disinherited because of this, you know. Imagine Jiraiya-sama's reaction if were to find out about our umm-- sleuthing."

Naruto harrumphed.

"As if I want that pervy geezer's money. No Icha Icha VD flavoured profits for me, thank you very much."

"Of course, baka," Sakura replied with a solemn face. "All those lurid orange mags I found stashed under your bed were planted by Sasuke-kun obviously. We all know he's a Jiraiya in making."

Naruto blanched as Sasuke grunted in annoyance.

"Can we discuss this idiot's deviant future when we're not hiding in our sensei's closet?

*

"They have no idea how loud they are, do they? How long do you plan on keeping this up?"

Orochimaru smirked at his friend of decades.

"You know me, Jiraiya. I always encourage intellectual curiosity."

"Don't give me that altruistic crap, you old snake. You're up to something."

Orochimaru's lilting voice was oh-so-nonchalant.

"The basement can use some cleaning. The kids can spend as much time as they want in the "dangerous chamber of secrets."

"You never change, do you?" Jiraiya sighed. The sound of a poorly masked scuffle breezed through the wall.

"I wonder how the rumors can still be going so strong. It's been years."

"I might have dropped an occasional hint or two about devious experiments I might or might not be conducting in my secret laboratory."

Jiraiya's eyes narrowed.

"What?"

Orochimaru was nonplussed.

"A little bit of intrigue goes a long way in preserving one's youth. I've no intention of becoming a senile pervert like you. Besides, it gets a bit lonely during the holidays."

Having rather uncharacteristically averted his eyes, Orochimaru missed the way his friend's face softened.

"Stop it, you two! Kami help me Sasuke-kun if you don't drop those stilettos this instant! And you, baka! What are you, five? Enough of this stupid name calling. No, don't, guys--"

Jiraiya chuckled at Sakura's frustrated articulations.

"Quite the entertaining bunch."

"I've been fully disabused of my assumptions about the comparative sensibility of Haruno-kun and Uchiha-kun. Turns out your brat, Jiraiya, unlike you, is charismatically stupid."

Orochimaru's smile was angelic.

 _P.S. Inspired by an irresistibly drawn Orochimaru in Blackkat's SakuOro AUs. Do check those out!_ _In case it wasn't clear, Orochimaru is an unabashedly eccentric high school teacher who loves his crazy students very, very much. The childless Jiraiya is Naruto's godfather. And yes, Orochimaru's beloved pet is a python named Izanagi!_


	4. Punch Me Tender

_**Punch Me Tender**_

 **Relationships:** Kaguya x Sakura; Team Seven friendship

 **Genre:** Humour

 **Rating:** T

 _A.N: When Kaguya gets smitten with Sakura after getting viciously punched, all hostility falters with unease as the war suddenly comes to a halt. Naruto and Sasuke are not at all happy about the unexpected developments._

"She has horns, Sakura-chan," Naruto whined.

"You have nine tails. Sasuke-kun has a tenfoot pole sticking out of his ass. You were saying?"

"That's not the same!"

Sakura shrugged.

"But she's old, Sakura-chan. Ancient! Centuries older than Bachaan! You can't really want to make out with a dinosaur like her! One with horns! Stupid horny dinosaur..."

Sakura looked smug. "You know what they say. Older women are hot."

"Eww eww eww! That's disgusting, Sakura-chan!" Naruto's face had become an ugly shade of purple.

"You're only jealous 'cause you didn't get to play hero."

"Th-that's ridiculous!"

Sakura incredulously eyed her teammate.

"Yeah. Right. You totally don't get your kicks from the whole saviour thing."

Naruto's expression mirrored a child who had been unfairly deprived of his precious candy.

"There, there." Sakura tousled his yellow locks. "Kaguya-sama says there are a lot of loonies from where she comes from. You and Sasuke-kun can have your "mine is bigger and better" contest when the next supervillain comes."

"But she tried to kill us!"

"So did Sasuke-kun."

"That's not the point!"

"That's exactly the point. Since when did you stop believing in second chances?"

Naruto darkly muttered something.

"Don't mumble, you idiot!"

When Naruto still looked glum, Sakura squeezed his cheeks.

"Heyyy!"

"Look at the bright side, baka. You and Sasuke-kun now get to call me 'Mommy'!"

Naruto groaned pityfully.

"Ughhhh... Way to go, Sakura-chan. You just ruined one of my favorite fantasies."

"That's no way to talk to your Mommy!"

"I'm begging you. Please don't say that. Like ever." It broke Naruto's heart that his Sakura-chan wanted him to call her so endearingly but he had to put his foot down. What was the saying... yes. Be careful what you wish for.

He was so going to stop.

"Just... don't go on punching any more people. They can't help falling in love with you." Naruto's voice was rather wistful.

Sakura smiled.

"Professional hazard, baka."

"Don't you want to have a family of your own?" Naruto was actually serious.

"We already have two petulant overgrown babies, in case you forgot."

"C'mon, Sakura-chan!"

"We can always adopt, you idiot. If they are anything like you, why would we want anyone else, bloodline or not? Besides... Kaguya-sama is not really crazy about kids. It's only a matter of time, though. I'm sure. She'll come around."

"Wait a minute! You call her _Kaguya-sama_?"

A lovely shade of pink dusted Sakura's cheekbones. "She thinks it's sexy."

"Gahhh! Just kill me now. Maybe this is a really, really bad dream-- _oomph_!"

A mischievous smile on her lips, Sakura tackled Naruto into a bear hug, applying her super strength for good measure.

"Mommy will kiss all your problems away, Naru-chan!"

 _"Sakura-chyaaan!"_

Meanwhile...

"Just so you know she chased me like a lost puppy for half of her life," Sasuke sneered.

The rabit goddess stared at Sasuke, unimpressed.

"Clearly, multiple reincarnations have scarcely changed your insolent self."

"Hnn."

"It's laughable to think I'd be intimidated by the likes of you, brat. As if she could endure dull sublunary lovers after having me!"

"Whatever. She has a stupid death-wish. She'll go running to the horned monster who tries to kill her next."

Kaguya's eyes eerily glittered at Sasuke's words.

"I can perfectly assure you that's not going to be an issue."

Sasuke swallowed despite himself.

 _Thoughts_?


	5. An Oedipal Predicament

_**An Oedipal Predicament**_

 **Relationships:** HashiSaku, platonic HashiMada; implied MadaTobi

 **Rating:** T

"Hashi-kun..." Sakura's voice trailed off apologetically. Keeping firm was really not easy when her husband looked at her like a kicked puppy. One'd think that you became immune to that ridiculously piteous expression after being married for six whole years.

"He would get over it, Hashi-kun. Soon. Kids are like goldfish, you know that."

"Adorable cruel goldfish," Hashirama wailed.

"He's five, Hashirama." Sakura's voice was laced with incredulity.

"But I miss you, Sakura-chan! It's been a week already. Sleeping on that lonely futon... it's like being marooned in an island! With just a pillow for company!"

Sakura was trying hard not to roll her eyes at her husband's melodramatic outburst.

"I know, dear. And I fully intend to make up to you for these lonely nights. Just a couple more days. You will be a brave boy till then, yes?"

Hashirama's face wore an expression of unspeakable misery.

*

Madara was barely impressed to see his annoying best friend sprawled over his bed, hair in disarray, eyes closed and arms held over his head in a melancholy gesture similar to that of maudlin idiots in that apparently hit tv series _Icha Icha Magic!_ The world was populated with too many nincompoops for his liking.

"Get off my bed, idiot."

Hearing his friend's gruff voice, Hashirama sprang from the bed in a manner not unlike circus monkeys.

"Madara-chan!" Said man found himself assaulted with a hug that was part affectionate, part desperate.

"Do not call me that!", Madara growled, disentangling himself impatiently from Hashirama's bear grasp. It was a miracle that he had put up with his antics for all these years without strangling the flamboyant man with his own hair.

"Don't be so mean, Mada-chan! I can't bear it. Sakura-chan once again banished me from our bed. My beautiful child wants to keep me away from my beautiful wife! Oh! Sleeping all alone for seven long nights, my darling so close yet unreachable... It's killing me, Madara!"

Madara groaned. How on earth such an incorrigible drama queen had ended up being a celebrated doctor eluded him. If only his patients saw the needy overgrown baby who got on his nerves on a daily basis.

"For kami's sake, idiot! You are the father of a five year old! Stop sniveling!"

Hashirama rubbed his eyes petulantly.

"Can I crash here tonight, Madara?"

"Since when did you need permission to pass out on my couch?"

"Ano... I meant if I could sleep here. With you." Hashirama had the decency to look slightly sheepish.

Madara stared at Hashirama as if the latter had inexplicably transformed into a sentient pumpkin.

"You didn't just proposition me."

Hashirama huffed. "As if I'd cheat on my beloved Sakura-chan! Besides, you're not my type."

"Absolutely. It breaks my heart that I'm not a slightly schizophrenic pink haired harpy."

"Hey!" Hashirama protested.

Madara tiredly rubbed his temples. Teasing his godson that his kaa-chan loved his tou-chan more than him since it was the latter she shared her bed with didn't turn out to be a good idea. The Senju twerp turned out to be just as stubborn as his stupid ass of an uncle.

"C'mon, Mada-chan! Say yes. No cuddling, I promise!"

Madara snorted. Hashirama was an incorrigible cuddler, no matter who slept next to him. He remembered the day Hashirama found himself waking up to Mito's enraged shriek after being discovered in an apparently compromising situation with her girlfriend who also happened to be Hashirama's beloved cousin. Mito had beaten the crap out of the idiot that day, calling him an incestuous lecher beside other colourful epithets.

The idiot would cheerily spoon with a polar bear. And that was saying something, considering Madara's not inconsiderable resemblance to the said creature.

"Madaraaa...", Hashirama was still whining with all the elegance that comes after honing a skill for decades.

Madara glared at him.

"Can't risk infecting my bed with idiot-germs. Besides, you're delusional if you think I'm giving Mito any ammonition to spread slanders about my sexuality."

Hashirama raised an eyebrow.

"So we're back to pretending that you never had a crush on Tobi and you never strategically timed your visits to the hot-springs?"

"That was just a coincidence!", Madara hissed.

"So you two coincidentally ended up naked in the same place for a month?"

"You're delusional."

"That's too bad. Tobi broke up with Sakumo a few days back."

"Is that so? None of my business who that cocky little brat plays house with." The almost imperceptible pink tinting Madara's cheeks belied his nonchalant voice.

"So...", Hashirama's tone was too ingratiating for Madara's liking, "did you happen to change your mind?"

Madara narrowed his eyes. Bastard was a conniving little snake under that ridiculous doe-like eyes.

"Fine," he grumbled. "Zero cuddling. I'm not your stupid teddy."

Hashirama lunged at him like a deranged snake.

"Madaraaa!"

 _Thoughts?_


End file.
